Waiting for my Apache

Can't wait for Christmas!!

2011-12-16T19:29:00.001-05:00

Picture 096, a photo by ravenslove on Flickr.

I know its been a while since I have written in my blog. A lot has happened since the last time.

I know have three dogs, yes three. Renegade (ChiJack), Echo (Red Nose Pitt), and Geronimo (Akita, Blue Heeler mix).

Still have Cochise my cat although he isn't talking to me right now because of Geronimo.

Anyways, this is what I am looking forward too. My family being together again all in one spot. In the picture is My dad and older brother John on the left. My younger brother Matt, sis-in-law Laurel and of course me on the right. Joining us on Christmas will be my husband Billy and his sister Nikki.
I can't wait. These are the people I love most in this world (except Jeanne I love her too) and I miss them now that I live kinda out in the boonies. The plan is to spend Friday as Christmas eve, Saturday as Christmas since my brother and laurel will be traveling to TX to spend time with their side of the family.

So I just want to tell everyone.

Merry Christmas and don't forget Jesus is the reason for the season.

The top 10 reasons why men have affairs include:

2010-11-20T04:21:00.000-05:00

1. More sex (sometimes due to lack of sex in their relationship),
2. Sexual variety through different partners or different sexual experiences
3. Too boost their ego to feel special or still attractive to the opposite sex
4. For the thrill of the chase
5. Opportunistic sex (if the opportunity occurs, they can’t pass it up)
6. To sabotage their current relationship
7. Revenge (to get back at their partner for one reason or another)
8. A feeling of entitlement (the belief they are entitled because they work hard or are the bread winner)
9. Sexual addiction
10.To escape

Our first birthdays together

2010-07-17T10:35:00.002-04:00

Ravens birthday was Wednesday and mine was Friday. This is the first of many years of celebrating our birthdays together. The funny part is we are both cancers which means we like to buy presents and we can't keep a secret. It's really fun seeing it in another person. He went shopping for my birthday and when he came home he couldn't wait till my actual birthday, but then neither could I. So we exchanged presents on Tuesday. He was happy and my birthday was perfect.

It wasn't the presents although they were fantastic. It was just the being with my husband.
We have been waiting 6 years to be together. Thats a lot of pressure to come home to.
So many expectations, so much to look forward too. It's been almost three months since Raven came home. What amazes me the most is how a man could be in such a horrible place for 16 years and come home, so caring, sweet and loving.

Raven is proving me right. He is showing everybody that I chose the right path. To follow my heart and love him forever.

He worked hard to find a job, one he loves doing. The people who work with him like him a bunch and the people he cooks for are always complimenting the food. He is in his element.
I love watching and listening to everybody.

Ok so rambling it is. Anyways the Birthdays were perfect.

If you can't beat em join em

2010-05-04T21:49:00.002-04:00

/photo14/79/a8/5842482537a8.jpeg
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

So Since my husband came home the only issue was a 10 lbs dog. Renegade likes Raven, likes running with him. Playing with him. Sleeping with him, Hell no. Every night this week Raven comes to bed and Renegade acts like a pit bull with attitude. It takes me picking him up and stopping him from acting like an idiot to allow Raven to get into bed.

Some time this afternoon when I was working. Raven got tired and came up for a nap. Apparently Renegade decided If you can't beat em join em. So even while working I felt the need to snap this historical moment in our family timeline.

May be night time will be more peaceful now.

Been a hell of a ride, Freedom at last.

2010-04-25T12:57:00.001-04:00

Last Prison Picture
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

On the eve of my husband coming home, I have been thinking. Thinking how this entire ride started. Meeting him the way I did, falling in love. Resigning my job. The four months they kept him in segregation not allowing him any letters. Closing him off from the world and anyone he loves. Destroying all letters from me to him and from him to me. The people in the city were I lived slicing my tires and threatening to hurt me or kill my dog. Telling me they were going to get him killed in there. One horrible thing after another.

Then him moving to another prison and being able to call me. Hearing his voice for the first time. Moving to a new city were I didn't have to put up with certain people and closer to my brother. 2005 the dissapointment of a two year flop from the parole board.

All the while falling more and more in love. He stayed out of trouble and was moved to different prisons as his security level was dropped. The same heartache, each and every prison saying we will never be allowed to visit.
Then a stroke of luck, transfered to NCCI with a new warden. December 29 2006 they allowed us to get married. Seeing him for the first time after 3 1/2 years was like we had never been apart. We were so happy. Then another dissapointment, still not allowed to visit. We thought it couldn't get worse. We were wrong in 2007 they told us he was coming home. Not only did he not get to come home they kept him more then two years. Now there was more then our share of heartache in those two years. The majority of it was happy we had finally gotten visits and were growing even closer.

Fast forward to February 24, 2010 the parole board finally gave us what we have been fighting for and praying for they are letting my husband come home. The two months seemed to crawl. The last week flew. We had a beautiful visit on April 24, the above picture is the last picture taken of us in prison. Monday the 26th at 8:00 am I will be picking up my husband. As the last picture was being takin, I started to trip and fall. Billy caught me and said you ok? I said yes, I thought I was going to fall.
He looked my in the eyes and said No honey I got you. I would never let you fall. I love you.

So I guess this random blog is in answer to people who ask how I could wait or why I would wait. The answer is I love Billy. Now and forever. More then I have ever loved or been loved by anyone in my lifetime.

He was more in my life and more support then people who lived in the same house hold for many years. So yes the pain we went through is worth it for this time in our lives.

TOMORROW AT 8:00 AM MY HUSBAND IS FREE.

Love to all reading this and I hope you are as happy as I am.

Very funny

2010-04-14T21:10:00.001-04:00

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alexstanding in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

Happy Birthday to me!!!

2010-04-14T14:46:00.001-04:00

The kids 056
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

So my Mommy told me to blog this. I'm a year old today. Mommy is taking me to the dog park to celebrate. So I can see my girl Dakota. Then Mommy said she will take me to Dairy Queen for a pup cup. Then we are going to cuddle up and watch American Idol. She says I better enjoy it cause Daddy will be home soon and I have to share Mommy with him. It is a good Birthday!

So 15 and a wake up + a new home= A great year.

2010-04-09T23:29:00.002-04:00

So we have 15 and a wake up till my husband gets to come home. We are both very excited. Looking forward to starting our free world life together.

Secondly I signed the papers on our new home. April 7, 2010. Its official.

Peace and Blessings to all.

To all the haters

2010-03-24T22:15:00.002-04:00

People of blog land this is directed to those of you in north east Ohio and anyone else who feels the need to hate. Thank you for your support, for as long as you are hating on us you are leaving others alone. Cause God knows you really don't have a life. Happiness is more than just a word. It is something that my wife and I share together. So in the end please don't hate just appreciate our love.

Bye, Have a nice Day.

Billy

Countdown to Apr 26, 2010 8:00 AM in Columbus

2010-03-21T11:12:00.000-04:00

Countdown to Apr 26, 2010 8:00 AM in Columbus

More Renegade and Dakota

2010-03-19T20:27:00.001-04:00

/photo34/d0/d7/6036f47dd2e4.jpeg
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

Renegade and Dakota

2010-03-19T20:22:00.001-04:00

/photo10/1f/7c/a4e983112e7c.jpeg
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

So Renegade found a new Friend her name is Dakota. She is Renegade's age and they had a great time. She looks at him like he is a toy that came alive and he looks at her like he is in love.

It is 40 days, 13 hours, 23 minutes and 25 seconds until Monday, April 26, 2010 at 8:00:00 AM (Columbus time)

2010-03-16T18:37:00.002-04:00

Not that I'm counting.

And the Answer is.....

2010-02-27T13:34:00.002-05:00

YES, The parole board gave my husband his release date. They are the final say and no more stopping it. The phones have been off the hook ringing and texting. Family have come and gone. Some home now some snowed in here with me. So this was my first opportunity to get on and post this.

MY HUSBAND IS COMING HOME!!!!

We are beyond excited. Thank you again for all of you that wrote letters and said prayers. They worked.

Love you all.

Peace and Blessings

ग वे वांट यू तो क्नोव वे लव एंड मिस यू.

2010-02-23T22:58:00.001-05:00

तोम्मोर्रो इस थे डे

2010-02-23T22:54:00.003-05:00

Tommorrow it the day that we find out if my husband is able to come home this year. I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who wrote letters and supported us through these last difficult years. Our family and friends mean everything to us.
I will post the decision as soon as possible. Please pray for us.

Peace and Blessings

Ravenslove

Shareaholic for IE8 - Internet Explorer 8 Accelerator Tool to share, tweet, bookmark, save, and email links

2010-02-20T14:06:00.000-05:00

Shareaholic for IE8 - Internet Explorer 8 Accelerator Tool to share, tweet, bookmark, save, and email links

Nice site very easy to use.

Moving Sucks, House Beautiful.

2010-02-18T20:17:00.003-05:00

The kids 073
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

If, and I say if all goes well, I will be moving. I have been approved for a loan on a new home. I just have to come up with the down payment.
It has three bedrooms and two bathrooms. On Wednesday 02/24/10 we will know if Billy will be moving to the new place with me. We are hoping the answer will be yes.

As for me, if he is not coming home this time, the middle bedroom will be my office. The third bedroom will be for the guest who come to visit. The master bedroom is self explanatory. I am excited, the thought of owning my own place is really appealing to me. The cost of the home per month will be less then what I pay for rent. So I will be saving money.

Now when my husband comes home it will save me even more money. The phone bill will go down drastically.

I love my husband and am glad to have the chance to have him come home to a place we can call our own.

Peace and Blessings to all.

Once Again.

2009-12-22T23:00:00.002-05:00

So On December 20, 2009 the parole board proved once again what type of liars they are. The people who met with my husband in October said the parole would not be stopped. He was supposed to be home January 11, 2010. Now I will be appearing before the Full Board pleading his case again on February 24, 2010 which means when they let him come home it will most likely be April 2010. So We are looking at least 4 more months.

We could use all letters of support, letting the board know we want him home.

Peace Blessings and Merry Christmas.

Dude Whens your out Date?

2009-11-23T18:10:00.001-05:00

HPIM1037
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

Unfortunately he doesn't know any more then we do.

Some times God has to turn you upside down, so that we can learn to live right side up.

2009-10-26T23:03:00.001-04:00

The sun is shining, finally.

2009-10-25T10:19:00.002-04:00

HPIM0663
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

On October 20th my husband was seen in front of a majority of the Ohio Adult Parole Authority. After 27 minutes of grueling questions on every aspect of his life, they gave him a parole.

Now we are waiting for notification of the release date.

We are carefully excited about this turn of events. Anybody who knows us knows that in 2007 they had given us parole only to take it away for 2 1/2 years. So we are not fully believing that they are letting him out.

We are praying that they will let him out and only time will tell.
Thank you for all the letters and prayers. Please continue praying for us.

Renegade

2009-07-12T19:58:00.001-04:00

HPIM1200
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

So on July 8, 2009 a friend introduced me to a slew of puppies. They are Chihuahua, and what ever jumped over the fence. Well being that I was still upset with Lupina's passing I wasn't to interested in the puppies. There was however a puppy who was very interested in me. He followed me every where and never left my side. So when I was leaving my friend put the pup in the passenger side of my jeep. Ran into the house and locked the door.

So a new relationship starts. He is very funny and seems to learn quickly. That is a good thing since Lupina was as well behaved as most therapy dogs.

So I have now gone from a 38 pound very shaggy 8 year old dog.
To a smooth coat, 2 1/2 pound dog who just pushes 12 weeks.

It's a learning experience for both of us.

That being said. Welcome to the family Renegade.

Lupina & I

2009-07-07T22:05:00.002-04:00

HPIM1066
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

Lupina spent the night in the doggy Hospital. This morning at work I received a call. The Dr. said that Lupina was whimpering. She suggested that I put Lupina down. I took the rest of the day off work and drove to the vets. They brought her in and she barely was able to wag her tail. How a dog goes from romping with her cat on Wednesday to barely moving on Thursday to not being able to move at all on Friday is beyond me. She was not an old dog. I stayed with her for about an hour till I told the Dr. it was time. I held her as she left this world for the rainbow bridge. She was a wonderful dog. Smart loving with the sweetest disposition. I loved her so very much. She will be greatly missed by both me, my husband and her cat, Cochise.

Lupina

2009-07-05T20:46:00.001-04:00

Lupina
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

So as most people know in my life once something good happens. It is usually followed by something horrible. I've written quite often about my baby girl, Lupina. On Wednesday of this week she was chasing her cat Coshise, on Wednesday night she jumped off my bed and yelped. Thursday she seemed a little off.

I took her to the vet on Friday. They said she either had a dog Stroke or a slipped disc.

She has been on medicine since Friday and no improvement.
In fact she is worse. I hate that she looks scared and that she is in pain.

Taking her to the vet tomorrow. Please say your prayers for her.

Just letting people know

2009-06-28T15:34:00.002-04:00

My husband is finally being moved from Grafton 2 1/2 hours away. Really bad visiting officers.

To:

Marion, 40 minutes away, with visiting that is supposed to be the best in the ODRC.

Yea for me.

I wasn't going to visit at Grafton again. This way he will be at the new prison in time for our birthdays.

Peace

RIP Michael Jackson, They don't really care about us.

2009-06-25T21:37:00.002-04:00

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Situation, aggravation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
Bang bang, shock dead
Everybodys gone mad

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us

Beat me, hate me
You can never break me
Will me, thrill me
You can never kill me
Do me, sue me
Everybody do me
Kick me, strike me
Dont you black or white me

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us

Tell me what has become of my life
I have a wife and two children who love me
I am the victim of police brutality, now
Im tired of bein the victim of hate
Youre rapin me of my pride
Oh, for gods sake
I look to heaven to fulfill its prophecy...
Set me free

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Trepidation, speculation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
Black man, black mail
Throw your brother in jail

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us

Tell me what has become of my rights
Am I invisible because you ignore me?
Your proclamation promised me free liberty, now
Im tired of bein the victim of shame
Theyre throwing me in a class with a bad name
I cant believe this is the land from which I came
You know I do really hate to say it
The government dont wanna see
But if roosevelt was livin
He wouldnt let this be, no, no

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Situation, speculation
Everybody litigation
Beat me, bash me
You can never trash me
Hit me, kick me
You can never get me

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us

Some things in life they just dont wanna see
But if martin luther was livin
He wouldnt let this be

Skin head, dead head
Everybody gone bad
Situation, segregation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
Kick me, strike me
Dont you wrong or right me

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care about us

Click on the title to watch the video for this song

I was made to love you

2009-06-23T16:56:00.002-04:00

The dream is fading, now I'm staring at the door
I know its over cause my feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I ain't feelin what I see
It's no mystery
Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did I forget that...

I was made to love you
I was made to find you
I was made just for you
Made to adore you
I was made to love
And be loved by you
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And you said you'd keep me
Never would you leave me I was made to love
and be loved by you

The dream's alive with my eyes opened wide
Back in the ring you've got me swinging for the grand prize
I feel the haters spittin vapors on my dreams
But I still believe
I'm reachin out, reachin up, reachin over
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah
And daddy I'm on my way
Cause I was made to love...

I was made to love you
I was made to find you
I was made just for you
Made to adore you
I was made to love
And be loved by you
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And you said you'd keep me

Never would you leave me I was made to love
and be loved by you

I was made to love you
I was made just for you
Made to adore you
I was made to love
And be loved by you
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And you said you'd keep me
Never would you leave me I was made to love
and be loved by you

(nah, nah, nah, nah - nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
(nah, nah, nah, nah - nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Anything I would give up for you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
Everything, I'd give it all away (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Anything I would give up for you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
Everything, I'd give it all away (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

Anything I would give up for you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
Everything, I'd give it, I'd give it all away, Oh yeah

Cause I was made to love you (I was made to love you)
Yeah I was made to love you (I was made to find you)
Cause I was made to love you (I was made to adore you, made just for you) (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
I was made to love you (I was made to adore you, made just for you)
Cause I was made to love you (I was made to adore you, made just for you) (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
I was made to love you (I was made to adore you)

Yeah I'm loved by you
Yeah I'm loved by you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
Yeah I' m loved by you (nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
(nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)
(nah, nah, nah, nah, nah)

My Husband told me this was his song for me. How sweet.

The title is a link to the song on you tube.

The best, Gayathri Somepalli

2009-06-15T16:30:00.003-04:00

HPIM1084
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

So my Roommate will be moving out tonight. When my last roommate bailed with very little notice, I put an ad on Craig's list. G is who answered that ad. We both will admitt that we had no idea how we would get along. We got along Great. G is by far the best rommate a person could have.

This is in honor of G.

Goodbye we will miss you.

M. Lupina and Cochise

Happy Mothers day Mom.

2009-05-10T15:22:00.002-04:00

Mom
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

So I am sitting at home alone, drinking. I miss my mom, more then I could have ever imagined. No matter how alone you are if you have your mom your never truly alone. So this year for the first time Im alone. I have nothing else to say.

Peace and Blessings to all.

The Power of people

2009-05-02T12:19:00.002-04:00

SANY0042_6.JPG
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,

I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.

His name was Kyle.

It looked like he was carrying all of his books.

I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?

He must really be a nerd.'

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.

As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.

They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.

His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.

He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.

As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.'

He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'

There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.

I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.

He said he had gone to private school before now.

I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.

We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends

He said yes.

We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.

I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!

'He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends..

When we were seniors we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.

He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.

Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd.

He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak .

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous! Today was one of those days.

I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!'

He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.

'Thanks,' he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began:
'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends...

I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.'

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the
story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.

'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.'

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.

Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life.

I Love that story it shows how being mean can really hurt someone to the point they may want to kill themselves. On the other hand it shows the power of one person to change someones life with a kind moment.

Lets all try to have kind moments.

Twilight and the adults

2009-02-19T19:41:00.002-05:00

So im sitting at panera bread with one of my best friends and a new friend. So we are all talking about Twilight. I have never seen two grown women so enthralled with a book for teenagers. They think Edward is sexy and romantic. Now for me nothing to white bread. I thought the movie was fun to watch. The books are boring. I think Kresley Cole's immortal series is much better read. It is very funny listening to them talk about the movie and the books. So tell me what do you think about Twlight. Leave a comment. I think jacob was hot.

Peace and Blessings

Me, Raven And G. My rommate

2009-02-07T20:01:00.001-05:00

visiting 006
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

My roommate has been wanting to visit Raven. We went up on a Sunday and had more fun then should be allowed in a prison visiting room. I don't think the three of us have laughed so hard in quite a while. I think it's cute the way Raven caters to both of us. Fixing any food we get, opening our drinks. So Cute.

Love that man and very fond of my roommate the best one ever.

Peace and Blessings

More good news!

2009-02-07T19:37:00.003-05:00

So in today's economy with people being laid offed right and left; even at my work, I got good news. I was given a substantial bonus and a pretty nice raise. Taking on more responsibility every day and really enjoying my job. I have been voted to be co chairman of a very prestigious American Indian group. I am looking forward to working closely with the Chairman. I have much respect for him and the good works he does. My roommate's job has been extended at least three more months. That means I can continue to pay off bills and sock some away for a rainy day. That is a big change from past years when I had to decide to feed the dog and cat leaving me with just mac and cheese. (can I tell you I am starting to hate mac and cheese). I have been taking stock lately and realize I am so much better off now. I have a group of die hard friends that would help in any emergency (both old friends and some new friends). My brother and sister in law are always here for me. Love them both. I'm healthy and getting healthier everyday.
Thanking the Great spirit every day, sending prayers up for all my family and friends. Even some who would be surprised by that.

Praying this is the start to a wonderful year for eveyone who reads my blog.

Peace and Blessings

An Update on My Life

2009-02-03T21:30:00.001-05:00

2009 Came in a month ago and I haven't blogged at all. So in January I started working out at Urban Active. I'm doing well down about 20 pounds. I'm going back to school for a degree in Health care management. Courtesy of my employer. Lupina and Cochise are both fine. Raven and I are doing fantastic. It's almost like last year was a nightmare and never happened. All the issues we ran into last year seem to have faded away. We are enjoying having three visits a month. Working our plan for October parole board meeting. Gathering job opportunities and letters of support. Life is Good.

Now for regrets, my biggest regret is not keeping in touch with my step children from my first marriage. P and R are awesome people and I miss having them in my life. Even if just occasional contact. Watching them grow up was so much fun. R was the sensitive one, always quite and caring. P was the funny boisterous one. Never forget being chased around the house with Bob the Builder (fucking Chucky doll with a hammer). We all laughed so hard. We had some wonderful times. It's my fault I lost touch. Things got hard and I moved to Columbus. Their father and I were fighting. Trying to start a new life away from everything I knew. Just didn't make the effort. Now I'm sorry for that. I wish them all the best in the world and if they would like to contact me they can leave a comment or send an email. PS kiss S, J and J for me. I miss them too.

Love and peace to all Happy 2009!!

How to Be Thankful in Tough Times

2009-01-04T22:30:00.000-05:00

How to Be Thankful in Tough Times
by Rick Warren

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

*** *** *** ***

1. Don’t worry about anything. Worrying doesn’t change anything. It’s stewing without doing. There’s no such thing as born worriers; worry is a learned response. You learned it from your parents. You learned it from your peers. You learned it from experience. That’s good news. The fact that worry is learned means it can also be unlearned. Jesus says, “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today” (Matthew 6:34 NLT).

2. Pray about everything. Use the time you’ve spent worrying for praying. If you prayed as much as you worried, you’d have a whole lot less to worry about. Some people think God only cares about religious things, such as how many people I invite to church or my tithing. Is God interested in car payments? Yes. He’s interested in every detail of your life. That means you can take any problem you face to God.

3. Thank God in all things. Whenever you pray, you should always pray with thanksgiving. The healthiest human emotion is not love, but gratitude. It actually increases your immunities; it makes you more resistant to stress and less susceptible to illness. People who are grateful are happy. But people who are ungrateful are miserable because nothing makes them happy. They’re never satisfied; it’s never good enough. So if you cultivate the attitude of gratitude, of being thankful in everything, it reduces stress in your life.

4. Think about the right things. If you want to reduce the level of stress in your life, you must change the way you think. The way you think determines how you feel, and the way you feel determines how you act. So if you want to change your life, you need to change what you’re thinking about.

This involves a deliberate, conscious choice where you change the channels. You choose to think about the right things: focus on the positive and on God’s Word. Why? Because the root cause of stress is the way you choose to think.

When we no longer worry, when we pray about everything, when we give thanks, when we focus on the right things, the apostle Paul tells us the result is, “The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7 NLT).

What a guarantee! He is guaranteeing peace of mind.

My Black Friday Buys

2008-12-16T19:57:00.006-05:00

So I was at Best Buy at 4 am on black Friday. Never happened before in my life. The line was long and at 4 am sharp I was walking up to the door. When a friend looked at me from his number one position in the line and Said "Honey were up here"
The dilemma was do I go to the front. Lets see it was 4 am and cold, heck yea I went.
I was there for two things only. A Gps so I would never have to call my friend Lisa or my sister in law Laurel and get directions after getting lost. I have also been wanting a digital picture frame for over a year. So I did manage to score the coolest gps. Garmin nuvi 255. It tells me exactly were to go. With turn by turn as well as street names. I will never get lost again. My friends and family are thankful no more panicked calls.

Now for my digital frame. I am clueless, sitting on my bed totally not being able to figure out how to get my pictures on this thing. Reading the book, no help.
Well at least I love my gps.

After Thanksgiving Holiday

2008-11-30T14:04:00.002-05:00

visiting 005
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

The first smile in a while. It's been a long time coming, I have had a hard time shaking the sadness of my Mom's passing. Since she was so sick and we wanted her to be out of pain. I expected to be a little better prepared to deal with her loss. After a month I am still amazed at how fast the sadness hits and I find my self crying.

That being said my husband hates when I cry. He feels helpless and can't fix the problem that is making me cry. So he has been doing his best to cheer me up. This picture was from visiting 11/29/2008 we had a great time. Laughed the entire time.

I really needed it. I love my husband so very much.

The end of an era

2008-10-18T14:24:00.004-04:00

Mom and Dad
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

My parents were married 57 years. They raised three kids. My older brother, me and my younger brother. We had a lot of good times and some not so good times. One of those times occurred 10/11/2008. My mom passed away that day after a long illness. She is in a better place. Some how I think the world is a little less loving with her being gone

Jesus, the Felon and our Christian Society

2008-10-05T20:08:00.002-04:00

Billy on the wall.jpg
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

Just a few thoughts. I've noticed that many people on these boards are very spiritual and filled with faith. On behalf of the marginalized, the people that Jesus spent most of his time with, I'd like to point out that on the cross, he turned to the criminal on his right and said "Well done good and faithful servant for today you will be with me in paradise." Jesus on that day did not take an honest man with him to "heaven." He took a criminal.

C. S. Lewis wrote that his opinion of the final judgment is that "bad" people will be stripped of everything that made them bad, such as upbringing, genetics, drugs, society, etcetera and he will be judged on the goodness that remains. "Good" people will be stripped of everything good and what will be left is judgment, persecution, hate, fear, apathy, etcetera. They will be judged on that. Lewis wrote, "We will be very surprised to see who makes it into heaven and who doesn't."

Oscar Wilde wrote his "De Profundis" while he was in prison wherein he noted that society holds the saint as the closest possible approach to the perfection of God. Jesus, in forgiving the criminal, taught us that the sinner is the closest possible approach to the perfection of man.

Blessed are those who love felons.
Blessed more are those who grant them acceptance, employment and a second chance. 7 times 70 times.

Heres the most beautiful American Indian man I know. I love my felon.

Cultural Beauty in motion

2008-10-04T21:59:00.003-04:00

(at the Native American festival)
Originally uploaded by Amelia PS

Anybody who knows me know I love the American Indian Male. I think there is no more beautiful men in the world. This picture captured my attention. I don't know the man in this picture. The fact that he is dancing at a pow wow is obvious. The fact that he is one of the most gorgeous men ever is also abvious. I wonder what he is thinking at the time this picture was takin.

The Best News

2008-09-27T17:00:00.002-04:00

We had a visit today. The perfect visit second only to the day we got married. We talked and cleared the air about everything. We came to the conclusion that after they took our parole date away from us we stopped communicating the way we should. We were so concerned with each others feelings that we started keeping things from each other. Not to hide anything just to protect. I wasn't forthcoming with feelings and issues at home. While he neglected to tell me things going on in prison. Today all issues were aired out and handled. No anger, no defensiveness, just honesty and love. We were back to making plans for today and the future. We ended the discussion with a promise to never keep things from each other again. Then we laughed and teased more then we had in over a year. The parole board screwed us but we almost let them cause more issues. That has stopped. It has already been a year. One more to go. We ended the visit with a kiss that took my breath away and had Raven telling me I couldn't walk away Yet.

I just want to say to our friends thank you for leaving comments and supporting us. We love you all.

The Good news, Good news and the Smart Ass

2008-09-26T18:19:00.003-04:00

The good news, I was nominated for one of the biggest awards in my company. If I win it comes with some cold hard cash, Yipee so say your prayers for me, friends.

The good news II, Raven is out of the hole and doing well. He isn't pulling a ticket and it won't be in his file.

The Smart Ass, The reason he was in the hole is because my husband is one of the most sarcastic individuals I know. Usually only to people he doesn't respect. Well this c/o has no ones respect. Im still not happy with him and we are going to have a very long talk on Saturday when we visit.

Just thought I would update everyone.

Thanks and Peace

The Good news, The Bad news

2008-09-20T21:12:00.001-04:00

Did you ever wonder how come when something good happens it is always followed by something bad?

The Good

Even though it's not been announced I found out that I got the job I applied for within my company. Not only that they gave me the best desk on the floor. Surrounded by windows and not around allot of other people. My supervisor was off Friday and is off Monday as well the company as whole does not know I got the job. Protocol dictates that my boss be informed first. The reason my new boss told me is that she knew I was visiting my husband and wanted to be able to tell him in person. To finally be able to see his face when we get some good news. Now

The Bad

While working OT on Saturday the call that all prison wives hate came. This is a call from (insert your mans best friend name here). Immediately you know, your man is in the hole. Yes ladies and gentlemen my man after 5 years of being hole shot free is in Segregation. Now comes the fun part. No visit tomorrow because he hasn't been to the rules infraction board. No full answer as to why the c/o felt it necessary to put him in the hole. The main worry is it serious enough to impact his parole hearing in 2009. What I would like to know is why is the good always followed by the bad?

To move or not to move

2008-09-16T21:40:00.002-04:00

There is an opening at work. Not a promotion only a lateral move. The issue is that alot of the promotion comes from within this unit. So the question is do I want to stay where I am with the people I enjoy working with. A Boss who goes to the wall for you when things are tuff. Or do I want to change to a unit were I would not be on the phone all the time just 4 hours out of the day. The boss is great. The people in the new unit are cool. I have worked with them when I work over time They are professional and personable. Very helpful and I have been aproached by a couple of them to apply for the flex team. So that is were I am deciding do I stay where I am comfortable or do I make a move with possible advancement? Any suggestions?

My Mom

2008-08-17T05:42:00.001-04:00

HPIM0503
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

I have never blogged about my mom. The night they flopped my husband they had to rush her to the hospital with a broken leg. She has said that she doesn't think she can wait another two years to meet the son in law she loves so much. She is in a nursing home barely remembers her family yet still asks for my husband.

The reason for this blog is at 5:15 am I heard my mom call me. it was her voice and it woke me out of a dead sleep.

Now I am wondering if she was saying good bye.

It's love

2008-08-09T22:51:00.001-04:00

Lupina and Cochise
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

It's been a rough week. This past week would have been a year that Raven would have been home. There was a lot of plans that would have been completed if the parole board would have gone through with their original plan. Instead we have gone through the worse year of our lives. We are fine just lots of prison problems.

"Love vanquishes time. To lovers, a moment can be eternity, eternity can be the tick of a clock." Mary Parrish

2008-07-19T09:44:00.001-04:00

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

2008-06-29T20:02:00.002-04:00

6/29/2008
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

This is our anniversery. We have been visiting for a full year. When we started this ride we thought we would only be visiting for three months. Start in June home in August. I am sure I have told the story many times, so I won't go into it again, I will just say it's been Hell.

We are running into c/o's who think it's funny to do everything to ruin our visits. Today the c/o spefically said "lets see how that f**king indian and his squaw like were they sit today" We all know my husband has issues with being surrounded by people. He sat everybody within inches of each other. I had to ask two people to get up so we could leave.

Raven had a migraine, bad enough when you are able to lay in a darkened room after taking some mircle drug. Unbearable sitting elbow to elbow with twenty other people, most of them extremely loud. We started our visit at 8am and finished at 10am. Things have changed very much a year ago I would have fought tooth and nail to stay till the last minute. Now I am more concerned with my husband and his health.

So we left after two hours. Raven was approached by two other inmates as well as a senior c/o who said enough is enough he needs to file an informal complaint against the c/o.

The question do we file and deal with the backlash that may occur or do we continue to put up with this c/o's shit. Opinions greatly appreciated.

Any was that is were the title comes from. We just have to keep going. Eventually we will get out of Hell.

Lupina Stylin

2008-06-14T12:05:00.001-04:00

HPIM0741
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

So a couple of months ago I bought my dream car. 2005 Jeep Wrangler with a soft top. Any time the suns out the top is down. One funny aspect of the jeep is that my dog Lupina loves riding in it wih the wind in her hair. She doesn't however like all the wind in her eyes. Thats when I found doggles. Sun glasses for dogs. Well she got her doggles yesterday. When I put them on her she loved them. In the jeep she holds her head up and doesn't hide her eyes anymore. Beside she is the cutest little girl in pink glasses ever.

"He who love touches walks not in darkness." Plato

2008-06-13T18:41:00.002-04:00

Plato doesn't know what he was talking about. At least not about love and darkness. Many people believe love is light. This is a common misconception. Love is many things to many people. In my case love is dark. A dark place that is hard to get to, hard to lift and hard to move through. What keeps me going is the thought that there is a light at the end of all this darkness. A place were my husband and I can finally be together. In the light.

The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination

2008-06-07T14:19:00.002-04:00

If this is true I should be expecting some great things coming my way.

Copyright of JK Rowling, June 2008

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates.

The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extraordinary honour, but the weeks of fear and nausea I’ve experienced at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and fool myself into believing I am at the world’s best-educated Harry Potter convention.

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.

You see? If all you remember in years to come is the ‘gay wizard’ joke, I’ve still come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step towards personal improvement.

Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that has expired between that day and this.

I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called ‘real life’, I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination.

These might seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me.

Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.

I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that could never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension.

They had hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents’ car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor.

I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools.

What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.

At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers.

I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.

However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown academically.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.

Given a time machine or a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.

You might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.

One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working in the research department at Amnesty International’s headquarters in London.

There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends. I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes.

Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to think independently of their government. Visitors to our office included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had been forced to leave behind.

I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child. I was given the job of escorting him to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness.

And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just given him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime, his mother had been seized and executed.

Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone.

Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard and read.

And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before.

Amnesty mobilises thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life.

Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s minds, imagine themselves into other people’s places.

Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.

And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.

I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces can lead to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.

What is more, those who choose not to empathise may enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.

One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.

But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.

If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped transform for the better. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, friends who have been kind enough not to sue me when I’ve used their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister.

So today, I can wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom:
As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.
I wish you all very good lives.
Thank you very much.

What I learned from Sex in the City.

2008-05-31T16:39:00.003-04:00

Big opening this week. Lots of diva's dressed to the hilt. Some with their gay male friends on their arms. Lots of tears and lots of laughter. No spoiler in this blog but what I can tell you is that Samantha is a lot more then just sex. In the movie when they are talking about the changes in their relationship. Samantha says how I feel. Some how she has been so concentrated on loving him, she forgot to love herself first.

I can feel the sentiment on that one. How do you go about recovering the love you should have for yourself. What if you haven't ever had it. I spent three months in the progress of learning to love my self. I had 20 years of loving a husband and children (not mine by blood, mine by nurture and love)Four kids and one man (ha) no time to learn. Then we were over and I moved out.

I had three months on my own. After that time I met my husband, Raven. There was so much drama associated with loving a man in prison that I lost my self again. For a while it was OK. He lost and gave up as much as I did. Or so I thought. We were blissful for 5 years. Then the parole board hit. Now I wonder who am I. The woman before Sept 12, 2007 or the one after.

Samantha taught me that it isn't all Raven that is causing the problems we are going through. It's me as well. Me who can't stand up for what I want and what I should be. Me who's inner voice plays vile words from an ex-husband in my head over and over again. Me who never learned to love myself in any worthy manor.

While I learned from Samantha I am not willing to reach the level that she did. I love my husband with all my heart. I believe that we are just going through a very long and shitty phase. What I do need to do is train my inner voice to be nice to myself. Then I won't be so dependant on others to fulfill that role. You see that role carries a lot of pressure. No one can say what you want to hear when your own voice won't say it to you.

So that's what I learned from Samantha in Sex in the City.
Love your self first. Others will follow.

The perfect husband

2008-05-25T18:52:00.005-04:00

The perfect husband only exists on tv and in the movies. The guys (both of them) in Ps I Love You would be perfect examples of them. They are loving funny with a little bit of a temper, yet always thinking of their wife first.

I thought I had found my own perfect husband. I did, the letters that were written the phone calls all of which led me to think Raven was perfect. Then the board gave us more time. He went into protection mode. Protection mode keeps everybody out, everybody including me. Some how I got lost in the aftermath.

I no longer feel like the most important person to my husband and that hurts more then I could have ever realized. Even more then the board giving us more time. I never had doubts when we weren't visiting becaue I always thought I was most important in his life. Now with visits, commissary, vollyball everything is more important. He says I am the most important but actions speak louder then words. His actions say otherwise. I just hurt, hurt before visits, and cry all the way home after visits. It's just hard. I don't know what to do.

I know visits are hard on him. They get stripped out by this asshole, both on the way in and the ways out. Even though most people know that the staff bring in most of the contraband, not much chance of shoving a pound of weed up your ass, it has to come in with staff in their bags. If you want to stop the drugs in prison put a drug dog in the lobby and let them sniff were they want. Chances are it will be staff more then visitors.

Either way I know he can't stand being in the visiting room with all those people behind him. They are not allowed to get up unless they have to piss. Having all those people behind him makes him crazy. If you don't trust anybody it's especially hard to have strangers at your back.
Do I really believe that my husband doesn't love me enough, is it his issue or mine. I don't know. All I know is it's still painfull.

Cochise 4/7/06

2008-05-18T23:18:00.001-04:00

Cochise 4/7/06
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

Ok I just had to show everyone this. This was Cochise's first day in our home. The fur in the bottom right of the picture is Lupina. Poor Cochise wanted to be close to her but wasn't sure if she wanted him around. They were so fun to watch get to know each other. The truth is the cat is not mine. I bought him for Lupina when I started to work two jobs. Yes I bought a pet for my dog. Some of my friends have asked if I am going to buy a rat for my cat. Very funny guys. Very funny.

Cochise

2008-05-18T23:10:00.002-04:00

HPIM0498
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

So I don't believe I have ever introduced this particular member of the family. This is Cochise, a two year old blue point siamese. Now as good and innocent as my dog is. Cochise is as evil as they come. (not really) He will steal money from wallets and purses. Hair ties are never safe. We found $167 that he had stolen over a period of time. I think he was saving up for a girl friend. Seriously he loves to cuddle under the blanket. Next to your back or on those certain weeks on my stomach. He has the nicest purr I have ever heard. Even with his evil streak he is a well loved member of our family.

"Love is like a knife, it can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that will last a lifetime."

2008-05-11T18:39:00.001-04:00

The Devils Baggage

2008-04-28T07:18:00.000-04:00

YOU PUT THE DEVIL OUT, BUT DID YOU LET HIM LEAVE HIS BAGS?
This is powerful!!!!!!!

You got out of a bad relationship because it was bad, but you are still resentful and angry (you let the devil leave his bags)

You got out of financial debt, but you still can't controll the desire to spend on frivolous things (you let the devil leave his bags)

You got out of a bad habit or addiction, but you still long to try it just one more time (you let the devil leave his bags)

You said, I forgive you, but you can't seem to forget and have peace with that person (you let the devil leave his bags)

You told your unequally yoked mate that it was over, but you still continue to call (you let the devil leave his bags)

You got out of that horribly oppressive job, but you are still trying to sabotage the company after you've left (you let the devil leave his bags)

You cutt off the affair with that married man/woman, but you still lust after him/her (you let the devil leave his bags)

You broke off your relationship with that hurtful, abusive person, but you are suspicious and distrusting of every new person you meet (you let the devil leave his bags)

You decided to let go of the past hurts from growing up in an unstable enviroment, yet you believe you are unworthy of love from others and you refuse to get attached to anyone (you let the devil leave his bags)

When you put the devil out, please make sure he takes his bags!

Happiness keeps you sweet
Trials keep you strong
and sorrows keep you human
Failures keep you humble
Success keeps you glowing
But only God keeps you going!
__________________
Too BLESSED to be stressed and too ANNOINTED to be disappointed

The fairy tale is twisted.

2008-03-12T12:54:00.004-04:00

So far in 2008 We have lost three family members. All died within two weeks. These are people who my husband looked forward to being home with. Who he should have had a chance to talk with and say goodbye. Now they are just part of a collections of obits in his foot locker. We thought 2007 was the worse year of our life, 2008 is trying hard to beat it.

My husband is having a very hard time coming to terms that he is still in the prison after being told he was coming home. Things that never bothered him in the past are now stressing him out badly. The prison life that is part of the punishment.

He is trying to push me away. Let me live a "normal" life. There is a gentleman, a Dr. who keeps asking me out. He has been pursuing me for about two months now. Raven is attempting to get me to go out with him. He doesn't want me to have to wait. He feels like he can't control anything. He thinks I am going to leave, so if he forces me to leave, then it was in his control.

I understand what my husband is going through, at least to a point. I have made a decsion I am so in love with my husband, I will wait. If I have to wait for two more years till I get my husband back then that's what I will do. I know my husband, I love my husband and can't wait till he comes back. He is working through his issues. I am working through mine. Together we will win over the parole board and their unfair rules. The fairy tail is twisted but eventually there will be a happy ending.

Some people don't get it.

2008-02-22T20:03:00.004-05:00

We have been going through a tuff time because of all this parole bullshit. We are fine just depressed and bitchy. Then low and behold and old friend writes. Even through bad times we tell each other everything. He has asked me to blog that he only writes me at this time. We need this time to focus on each other.

hoping all our friends understand.

Love

Raven and Ravenslove

Visiting Room Intimacy

2008-02-03T15:36:00.000-05:00

The visiting room is no place for intimacy. Not the usual kind of intimacy, anyways. We must find our closeness through touches that are acceptable to the Drc and the c/o's. In most cases it can only be a touch on the arm below the elbow. We can occasionally touch on the face. Which I can say is wonderful, my husband has a beautiful face, great smile and sexy eyes. Along with the beautiful face and sexy eyes comes allot of insecurity and trust issues.

Some of the things I got from my past, I am surprisingly getting from my beloved husband. Unlike my past I have decided to let my husband know exactly what is on my mind. In this case it was the fact that he never reaches out for me. Never takes my hand or touches my face. I think I started noticing it within the first two visits. It is always me that reaches for him. Today in the middle of visit I just decided to stop reaching for him. I sat across from him for over an hour. Never did he try and touch me.

He definitely reads my face at all times. He asked me what I was thinking. So I told him. Raven is seeing a counselor. Mrs K. a very nice woman who seems to have an understanding of Raven and his trust issues. So I told him to ask her why he can't seem to reach out and touch the woman he loves. He thought about it for a while and came up with some very insightful reasons he may be having some problems with visiting room intimacy.

He explained how after so many years of not touching anyone or getting being touched
He feels weird. The commotion of the visiting room causes him to be always on the alert. Always on guard. Not able to reach out.

I tried to explain I wasn't mad, just aware of the situation. He promised to ask Mrs. K what she thought and if she could help him.

We went back to our visit. He made a wonderful effort at reaching out. We have a long way to go. Allot of growing. We love each other to distraction. The plan is to spend the rest of our lives together, one learning process at a time.

49 to Go. Part 2.

2007-11-23T00:28:00.000-05:00

So when we last left I was waiting for Raven to come into the visiting room. He comes in from the left door, then he must go to the podium on the right of visiting. There he reports into the C/o's with his name and number. Once checked in he comes over were we get to say hello, hug and kiss. Let me tell you his hug and kiss make everything worth while. His arms are so strong. My husband is only three inches taller then I am so we fit together perfectly. When I kiss him time stands still. There are no bars or gates. No one else just him and I. He smells perfect and tastes even better. Then we sit down to really look at each other. I always have some food and drink ready for him when he comes in. We spend the next 7 hours talking, laughing and loving. I bring pictures for him to look at. Telling him stories of each one. I get to look at him when I hear about the sports teams he coaches. Hear about all the happenings in the prison from the inside. We have time together, just to be. We take pictures, not because we want more pictures with bad backgrounds but because it give us another chance to be in each others arms. Then all to soon the visit is over. The c/o's call us to the front. Now in Ohio your allowed one kiss at the beginning and one at the end. In between your only allowed to hold hands. The beginning kiss is good but we always hold back. If the guards are in a bad mood we don't want our visits terminated at the beginning. Now the end kiss is what we affectionately call the balls to the walls kiss. We put everything we have into the kiss. It's the kiss that takes our breath away and shows us the promise of what we are waiting for.

This is so hard!

2007-11-13T21:15:00.000-05:00

I got a room mate Saturday 11/10/2007. A guy that my husband sent home from NCCI. A young guy who made a mistake when he was hurting from a broken relationship. We talked for weeks on the telephone, Tuesday's with Ravenslove. Talked about how long he was in, what his crime was and how he wanted to change his life for the better. I told him that it would help having someone to help pay the rent and the bills. I was right it will help. It's also extremely hard. J came home and I got him a job. The same job that was being saved for my husband. Today we went to turn on a cell phone. The same phone I bought and had turned on for my husband. When the board flopped him I had it turned off. Now that J is home we went to have it turned back on. It made all kinds of sense. They would reimburse me the 200 termination fee and J would have a phone. Simple right. Then half way through the transaction I started crying. Here is a man living in my husband's house. Working my husband's job. Using my husband's cell phone. This so hard, so fucking hard. It should be Raven. Should be him living here and doing everything that J is doing. It's just not fair.

49 To Go. Part 1.

2007-10-21T23:06:00.001-04:00

HPIM0236.JPG
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

The anticipation kills us. Raven and I continue to count the days, hours and minutes till we see each other again. We love our visits. We did the first 4 years with out visits. So ours are precious to us.

The day always starts the same. The alarm goes off and I jump into the shower. The phone rings at 6:30 am. "Good morning my Beautiful wife." Raven. "Good morning my sexy, husband." me.
Then we talk about how we get to be together in about an 1 1/2 hour. How we can't wait and how much we love each other. We hang up and I continue to get ready. Jump in the car for the 45 minute drive to NCCI. (30 minutes if no troopers are out). Depending on the mood I jam to Blitz rock (metal) or 97.1 (pop). I usually arrive at the prison about 10 minutes before visitation opens.

When your at visiting you eat vending machine food, bought with a debit card. Not your ordinary debit card but a prison debit card. So my first stop is to get a number, think deli with someone yelling. Number 1, number 1 gets finished, number 2 etc, etc. Then it's over to the machine to put money on the vending card. $20 or $30 usually does it. Time to sit and wait. I was number three today. Officer G calls my number and I go up. You empty your pockets out. Pull them out so she can see they are empty and walk through the metal detector. Today nothing goes off. Sometimes it can be your earings, shoes or belt that sets the machine off. While I am walking through the machine, Officer G tells me that your only allowed 36 pictures to bring in the visiting room. I have about 100. All of a local fair I went too. I take lots of pictures so I can show Raven my day to day life. We share everythng. So back out to the lockers, where I put 64 pictures away. All clear.

We wait for the Control C/O to open the door. Walk through the first door. Once that door closes the actual door to visiting opens. You check in with Officer P. ( the worlds greatest c/o), She assigns your seat. Picture lunch room in kidnergarten. Two chairs facing each other with a table about two feet high between the two of you. Then you wait. Your man has already been called. He comes in from the other side of the room.

The visit begins for real after the first kiss.

The picture, one of the cows at the Lancaster fair.

My husband amazes me.

2007-10-08T23:38:00.001-04:00

Billy on the wall.jpg
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

It has been almost a month since we were informed that Raven will not be coming home this year. The last three weeks I have barely been making it. You see I am not use to being promised something, doing the right thing and then being kicked. In my life when you do what your suppose to you get rewarded. I haven't been eating or sleeping well. That has been taking it's toll. During the entire time my wonderful husband has been supportive and loving. He has made the difference in coming to acceptance. I truly wasn't sure I was going to make it.

He was so busy loving me back into sanity that we never talked about how he was handling this. So on our last visit we talked, for over two hours. How was he feeling? Was he alright? would he be ok? His theory, how can he vent to me when it would just set me back. My theory, we need to be able to share everything we are feeling. These would be two diametrically opposed views. He finally asked if we could ponder this for a while. I agreed.

Visiting continued with other conversation. He signed up to finish his electrician cert. Started a job with maintenance at the prison and signed up for a couple of classes. We talked about how many visits we would have before he would be up for parole again (50). How we would continue to love each other and what our future held.

Two hours after visiting I received a call from Raven. The first thing he said to me is that he would be ok. The Raven that would have lost his temper and done something stupid was gone. The knowledge that he had someone who loved him waiting stopped him from doing anything that may catch him more time. He said he would focus on his wife, his job and his education. Hopefully time would go quickly. I told him that I would wait as long as it took.

Unconditional love, when people ask why I wait for a husband who is incarcerated that is my answer. Never asking me to change. Never calling me names. Always loving me. That's why my husband never ceases to amaze me.

Hey Irene Fiala of Edinboro University.

2007-10-03T19:46:00.001-04:00

You would think as a professor you would have better things to do then, sleep with a married man and to continue to check out my blog. Since you don't can you ask my Ex when he is going to send out the next check.

You really need to get a life.

oh Wait I forgot you don't do single guys as proven by your track record.

Breathing should get easier.

2007-09-27T22:18:00.001-04:00

SANY0046_4.JPG
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

Today there were a few moments when I didn't think about what happened. Just a few precious moments out of a 10 hour shift. Those moments gave me hope that this to shall pass. The love my husband and I experience is like no other feeling we have ever had in the past. Raven isn't afraid of much, but when the decision was told to him, he was terrified. Terrified that I wouldn't last the two years. Maybe even decide to leave this life, leave him. He has been left in the past. Left because he is in prison, left because they couldn't handle it. Left because of death.
That's when I enlightened him to the truth. That I would never leave him. I could no more leave him then I could stop breathing. While breathing still hurts it is something I must do to survive. Just like I must love Raven to survive. There will come a day when the parole board will do whats right and let him come home were he belongs. Until then the moments grow into hours, the hours into days. Days into years.

So I have come to terms. Sort of.

2007-09-24T21:24:00.000-04:00

Since September 12 I have come to terms that my husband will not be home till 2010. Sort of. We have an attorney who is working on his case as we speak. There has never been a full board that was overturned. We have enough reasons that in an actual court of law there would have been a mistrial. The lawyers would have been screaming. There was information that was not given and lies that were told. Lies that all they had to do is read the police report and the board would have known they lied. I have learned that you can never trust a public defender to have your best interests at heart. The lawyer we have now is preparing some information to request a reconsideration of the descision of the board. Until we hear I am just accepting that my husband will probably not come home till 2010.

Yes I know I have typed that twice I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that they had told us he was coming home August 8, 2007 then give him an
additional two years. So I keep saying it trying to make it easier to accept.

2010 seems so very far away. I remember in 2005 when we expected him to be flopped. It was hard then but the time did go quickly. We were not allowed to visit for the first 4 1/2 years so this should speed by.

We see each other every two weeks now. It's as close to perfect as a visit can be. Being with him, touching him, kissing him, is heaven. While we can't do everyting we want, we can talk and be together. He is loving, supportive and funny. We have more fun than one would expect. No pictures this week. Next visit October 7, 2007.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT!

So we do these two years in two week intervals and they will fly.

I love my husband.

Some people have no life!

2007-09-17T20:42:00.001-04:00

The funny thing about this blog, is that some people just check it out to see how I am doing. Not because they are my friends or because they are interested in the prison life style, but because they fucked my ex husand. This woman has no life. She Has never had a man that she hasn't whored away from a wife. Now don't get me wrong my marriage to my ex wasn't great. In fact we probably would have divorced over other issues in our marriage but she sure helped it along. The funniest thing is that right after I moved out she thought they were going to be a couple. He started dating someone else and this lady was again just the side whore. I have never laughed so hard. Now she may think she can gloat about my husband getting more time, but at least I have someone I love unconditionally and who loves me the same way. While she has to share my ex with anyone he wants. She knows who she is and that Karma is a Bad Mother.

Oh and if my ex reads this. I am sincerely wishing you all the happiness in the world and wish we could have parted on better terms. We sure did have some fun times.

The Day After!

2007-09-14T00:09:00.000-04:00

I have had a day to process and it doesn't make it any easier. The fact that the board made the decision they did with no reasons is still extremely hard to take. I felt so sick that I couldn't make it in to work today. My husband has done everything they told him too. The classes, the staying out of trouble. He is over the max guidelines that the board set to follow. They had given us a date of August 8 2007 for him to be home. STOPPED. Now the board has said no till 2009 which means he won't be home till February 2010.

Now there is a wonderful woman (M) who went to the meeting to support me. She works for a public office that should be hardened. M is not. She was so upset and disgusted by the boards decision that she couldn't go to work either. I had called her to say thank you. We ended up going out for lunch, the old fashioned three martini lunch. M is so very smart and fun to be around, that for a moment I forgot. Forgot how much I hurt right now. She makes me think, laugh and forget. For that I will be eternally grateful.

The thing is that Raven and I can make it. He loves me unconditionally as do I love him. He is sexy, fun and supportive. More love then I have ever felt. We did our first three years with no visits. Now at least we have visits, so that means we are 51 visits till Raven comes home. 27 months. Life goes on and it is what it is. It will be ok.

This will make some sad and some happy

2007-09-12T21:37:00.000-04:00

We went to the full board today. There was a very high profile case being heard today. Media as well as politicians were there. I guess the pressure was to much for the board to take. Out of 5 guys up for parole none made it. They gave Raven a set off till December 2009. So two more years of this shit. Now to all my friends I want to thank you for all the support and love you have given Raven and I. To the ones that will be happy to hear this. I am sorry for any pain I have caused you that you feel it necessary to check in on my blog and enjoy my pain. Maybe now after all we have been through you too can move on. Either way know that I love my husband, he isn't the criminal he once was. We are unhappy with the situation but very happy with each other. We will get through this as well. They can keep him for now but they can't keep him forever.

So Happy!

2007-08-09T21:15:00.001-04:00

So Happy!
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

I am laying here in our bed, watching the first football game of the 2007 year. This was supposed to be the game that Raven and I watch together. Did not happen this year. We are hopeful that we will be able to watch the super bowl together. In the mean time we are very thankful for visits. We have so much fun at visits. Being together even if it's just for 8 hours at a time, is better then anything I have ever experienced. We just enjoy our time together. We laugh, talk and just sit quietly. I love my husband and I love this picture.

Governor Strickland

2007-07-20T20:25:00.000-04:00

Dear Governor Strickland:

My husband is currently incarcerated at NCCI in Marion Ohio. I realize that most do not care about an inmate. I am hoping you are different. My husband saw the board and was granted parole. The parole officer approved both our living arrangements and my husbands job. Yes he does have firm job offers. My husband has taken every class that was required of him and extra classes he felt would benefit him in the outside world.

The ODRC gave him a POA of 8/8/07. We finally had hope. His case manager told him that he was getting out 8/8/07 and would have his release papers within the week. He finally started believing that he was coming home.

Then on July 16, 2007 the parole board issued a stop parole letter. I still can't find out exactly why the letter was issued. My husband is a year over his max guidelines. Even the new ones that just came out. I am writing to let you know how cruel it is to give these guys a date they are going home and then to take it away. How hard it is and how much it ruins lives. Shouldn't all the issues be taken care of before the date given to the inmate and their families?

I realize, I will probably not get a true answer to this letter. I felt it necessary to write you and ask if you would check out this situation. My husband is not the only one this has happened to. There were 10 guys at my husbands prison alone. We as the family need to know how to prepare for these full boards. Please Help us.

Sincerely,

Ravenslove

They F**ked us again

2007-07-20T20:23:00.000-04:00

On July 16, 2007 the parole board issued a stop parole letter on Raven. What this means is they are not letting him out August 8. I have to appear before a full board hearing on Sept 12 to plead for something they already issued to him, a parole. Just tired friends, just tired.

23 and a wake up!

2007-07-14T13:49:00.000-04:00

I am sitting on my bed thinking about the week past. I have been in constant contact with the PO, and I am unable to still read him. One minute he is acting like a major ass, the next he is trying to tell me that he is Raven's biggest advocate. Can't figure out which one is true. So I have just decided to put my judgement on hold for a while and enjoy that my husband will be home in 23 and a wake up.

Trying to grasp that is amazing to me at the moment. I have never loved someone so completely. Never been loved so unconditionally. Yet we have never spent a free moment together. We only just started getting visits so we could spend some time behind bars together. Saturday the 14th is my husbands birthday and the 16th is mine. We will be spending all of Sunday together for the first time in a full visit. The almost perfect birthday present for both of us. Next Year will be perfect. 23 and a wake up.

Am I too Jealous?

2007-07-05T23:10:00.000-04:00

About a month ago a woman from my husbands past wrote him. She stated that she has been looking for him for over twenty years. (Not to hard to find him considering he is on the drc website). Raven asked what I thought about him writing her. At the time I said I didn't have a problem with it, but in my opinion most woman from a man's past will eventually cause trouble.
She wrote and asked all kinds of questions about him and I. How we met? What we did? How did we get married? Shoveled some shit about wanting to be friends with me. (yea right)

Raven gave her my email and we emailed each other a couple of times. She sent her phone number and wanted Raven to call her. It is a cell number so its a moot issue anyway since cell phones can't accept collect calls from a prison. Raven said I should call her to see what she is like and to get to know her. I did.

Raven says she was trying to push my buttons. I say she was trying to cause trouble. One of the first things she said is that it was stupid to fall in love with an inmate. Then she tells me she had a crush on my husband who was fifteen at the time. (she was eighteen) The final straw was when she asked if she could visit. I told her I didn't care as long as I was there. She said "what I can't visit him by my self?" What reason would a woman have to visit a man alone, especially if he is someone else's husband. She also tells me how her and her husband never vacation together. Hello I got married to the man I love so we could spend time together not to spend time with another man. So by now I am definitely not feeling her.

When I told Raven what was said he said not to let it bother me and he didn't give a shit whether he ever contacted her again. We talked about it and decided that, The past should be just that THE PAST!

Ps. After the call she wrote to him and sent him her number. Said sorry I pissed off your wife, why don't you call me. HELL NO! Over it.

Our first visit, Our first photo.

2007-06-30T06:40:00.001-04:00

First visit6/27/07.jpg
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

This is the first ever picture of Raven and I. I left from work so I was not looking my best. Raven said I was the most beautiful woman in the room, no the world. I think he is a little biased.

I went to visiting on 6/27/07. I waited an hour while some truck on the yard made a delivery. One hour sitting in a prison visiting room by your self is a long time, you can do a lot of thinking in an hour. As I was sitting there thinking that is you had told me 8 years ago that I would be sitting in a prison visiting room waiting for my husband to come through the door. I would have told you to stop smoking crack. Here I sit, madly in love with my husband, happy and excited to be there. I thank the Great Spirit on a daily basis for my husband. Then he walks through the door. My heart beats faster. My whole body tingles and I smile from ear to ear.

Taking advantage of good news.

2007-06-29T01:51:00.000-04:00

Ok so the new update is the New Warden at NCCI in Ohio approved our visitation. They approved me on the 26th and I went to visit on the 27th and my boss gave me off the 29th so I am visiting again. It was so wonderful to see him. The funny thing was I was sitting waiting for him to come in to visiting and thought. "If someone had told me 6 years ago I would be sitting in a prison waiting for my husband I would have told them to stop smoking crack. Then he walked in the door, made his way over to me and took me into his arms and all the crap over the 3 1/2 years melted away. This entire journey has made us stronger and more in love. IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.

Finally more good news!

2007-06-26T22:17:00.001-04:00

Billy with dobie.jpg
Originally uploaded by ravenslove

We have been fighting for over three years. Writing, arguing and doing everything we know how to get visits. Being turned down by three different wardens and being treated like shit by all of them. We have grown closer and more in love over these three years. Now with 41 days and a wake up before my husband comes home the new warden has approved us for visits. Not a moment to soon,

Oh isn't he sexy, woof!

All most over?

2007-06-16T06:41:00.000-04:00

After three and a half years we got the answer we were looking for. The board voted to release Raven August 8, 2007. Needless to say we are very excited and pleased.

The idea that my husband will be home within two months is still amazing to me. We are entering a new phase in our relationship. One were the MCI guy is a thing of the past. Where the ODRC has nothing to say about when we talk or visit. My husband has been down 13 years. So for a day now I have been thinking about all the things that will be new to him.

How do you explain the internet to a person who has never used the computer.

Will a cell phone be totally foreign to him? When he went in only business men and salesmen had cell phones then they were huge in a bag. Remember them?

Will the idea of $3 dollar gas make him stand back and say What the hell? Things have changed dramatically since 1995.

He went in a single boy with a lot of issues, and is coming out a married man with a family, job and pets.

We have been through some horrible times. Things people should not have to deal with. Now I know some of you would say if he didn't get into trouble it wouldn't be that way. You are right he was in a situation were he was committing a crime. Two to be exact. The unfortunate part is he is totally innocent of the crime that cost him the most time. If you believe that he deserved everything he got then I suppose you believe I deserve it as well just for loving him. So be it. Truth is now we can move on and live our lives together.

Do I think it's going to be happy ever after. In a way yes, Oh I know we will have things and problems that come up. I am just praying that if we communicate and deal with them together that we will eventually hit the happy ever after. At least for brief moments in time. Thats all anyone can ask for whether you met your husband in the waiting room of a hospital and he is a Dr., behind the prosecutors table and he is a lawyer, or in prison and he is a ex- convict.

So we are ready to start this next ride. In 52 and a wake up to be exact.

Been Awhile, update

2007-05-01T21:56:00.000-04:00

On March 1, 2007 the parole panel saw Raven at NCCI. Talk about timing. I had met with the lady only the day before to plead our case for allowing him to come home. I thought it went very well. Mrs. Madox was very impressed with the parole package our family and friends had helped me put together. Unlike the last time in 2005 when the lady hardly looked at it, Mrs. Madox and I went through most of the pages. She explained that when they saw Raven the panel could give him two votes, he would need 5 to be paroled. 5 out of 9. When I was leaving she said, looks like we will be seeing your husband tomorrow. I was stunned. We expected the third week in March.

When they met with Raven on the next day; The gentleman that was in charge was very nice and told Raven that he was proud of him. He said if it was up to them, they would send his file to Columbus right then. Unfortunately they had to send him for a D2 test. For us non prison related people that is a mental evaluation. So they continued him for 60 days. In the Ohio Department of Rehabilitation they do everything in 60 day increments. Which put the next time he was up, Today.
The D2 went fine and the lady said she would recommend his release.

Fast forward to May 1, 2007,.

To day's panel wasn't as nice as the first one. Mrs. Madox was there and she was fine. The other guy was trying to get Raven to be angry. He made snide remarks about his crime and his "ex-c/o wife" I am so proud of my husband. He kept his cool and simply answered the questions. Stating that "my ex-c/o wife loves me and believes in me more then anyone else. Between her and I, you will never see me again." Apparently they believed him because he got both of their votes. 3 down 2 to go. Off to Columbus were it can take up to 4 months to address the file and get the other 2 votes. When they vote yes they will give him 60 days and out. Long story to a short answer Raven should be home in time for Thanksgiving talk about poetic.

A day...

2007-03-09T18:07:00.001-05:00

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...for now..

Why?

2007-01-27T10:30:00.000-05:00

Today is the last time I will explain why I stay with my man...

I am with him because I Love him. I don't expect you to understand the depths of my love for him it is clear you have never been able to communicate with another person the way we do, if you did there would never be the question of "why are you doing this to yourself?" or "You know he's only going to do it again". I understand that at any moment he can decide to walk away from me but I also know that your man can decide the same thing while he's driving down the street today. Just because we are separated by walls, miles and bars doesn't effect the love and bond that we build everyday. I am not the most spiritual person but through him I have found a deeper understanding of many things and I thank him for that. I am with him because of who I am, I was given a man that loves me unconditionally, 100% can you say the same? While he isn't able to buy me fancy things its okay because the way he looks at me, or the tingle i get from a letter is more valuable than any materialistic item your man has bought you because he messed up! Don't judge my relationship simply because we aren't physically together, admire my relationship because when we are together it will be based on a higher level of understanding, commitment, and love that is only given to us by a higher power.

Ladies, when you begin to feel down and out remember that you are absolutely FABULOUS! We are a small group of people that deal with a monster of an issue and we do it with grace, confidence, love and we are the true definition of what a women is....

Take a minute to pat yourself on the back!!!!

The day is finally here

2006-12-29T17:56:00.002-05:00

It was amazing, There was no problem getting in. I was holding my breath praying that they would just let me in and they did. I sat down, looking forward to seeing him walk out. But I had to go to the bathroom so I had the officer let me in, I was in less then 5 minutes. When I came out there he was. My heart stopped he is as beautiful as I remembered. He got up and we had our first kiss in 2 1/2 years. If only time could has stood still.(never thought I would say that) We kissed until one of the c/o's coughed in our direction. We both laughed and sat down. We held hands and just looked at each other. I just couldn't stop looking at him. We sat and talked, laughed and just stared at each other. I was there at 8 am, Monster girl and her mommy showed up and we all had an enjoyable time. You can tell alot about a man by how they deal with children. Monster girl and Raven had so much fun. The Reverand showed up at 11:30 am. He sat with us and talked while we waited for the Chaplain. The actual service was at high noon. The Reverand made a beautiful ceremony, making both of us feel special. It was like he actually knew us. He even added the Apache blessing at the end. It was as close to perfect as it could be considering the location. I am officially married and it was worth all the crap we had to go through. Thank you all for your good wishes.

Love to you all,

Ravenslove

GOOD NEWS!!!!

2006-12-23T11:24:00.000-05:00

So after 2 1/2 years of no visits and not seeing Raven I can say with all the excitement in the world that Raven and I have been approved to be married on December 29, 2006. He and I are very happy and looking forward to that day. There was a very nice lady named Kegley who went over and above to help us. I was talking to the chaplain and he said I HAD to be there by 10am, I almost laughed I am going to be there at 8am so we can visit as long as able.

The Doubts, the fear, the love

2006-11-06T09:59:00.000-05:00

So I played hooky today. The water tank in my apartment was leaking something fierce and here I sit trying to keep everything dry.

And worrying. Sometimes I am sure Raven will be paroled in 2007, come home to me and we will live happily ever after. Then reality sets in. No one promised him that he will come home next parole. Well the lady in charge of parole in 2005 did but how much can we believe her. I have letters from his family and friends. I have sent a letter every month to the board explaining why he should be allowed to come home. All of this still depends on wether the people on the board got laid the night before. Are they happy, is their home life good. Did they fight with their significant other the day before parole board meets. So much depends on the parole board. Very little with the Convict. Raven has taken courses. Lots of courses. He entered prison with nothing. If they let him out he will leave with a GED, Associates, and an electrician certificate. He has taken anger management, parenting as well as any other classes offered. The man's got more education then I do. He hasn't gotten into any trouble for 3 years. His last ticket is me. Establishing a relationship. Which is firmly in place and we are planning on being married as soon as we are able. I love him completely. All of which mean nothing to the board if they are having a bad day.

The good news is if they give him parole they could give him 60 days and out. The bad news is they could give him another two year flop. That would mean another two years of phone calls only no visits. I hate to harp but I haven't seen Raven for three years. Only pictures and we only get them every 6 months. We should be getting some new ones in December.

What happens if he gets another two years. What do I do? I can't even breath at the thought of us not being together. So that is not an option. I suppose I will just learn to survive for two more years.

Lupina, Cochise and I will just continue to wait. Raven is always telling me that the Great Spirit is teaching us a lesson. Apparently It's taking me to long to learn.

I had a friend come over.

2006-10-21T14:25:00.000-04:00

I had a friend come over. She got here on Wednesday and is here till Sunday. Her man is in the prison were Raven was for over two years. RCI the same place were the ass warden said it would be a cold day in hell before I would be able to visit Raven. C is from South Carolina. The typical southern bell, She has a great accent and a fun personality, boisterous, generous and friendly. Some one who can take a penny and make lincoln scream. She calls herself a professional shopper. She is worried about how her visits are affecting me.

Frankly I have wondered how I feel about her visits also. On one hand I am very happy for her and her man to finally get to see each other face to face. On the other I am jealous. The first day when C was expected in, I was missing Raven so bad I laid in bed and cried. I don't wish for anyone to be kept apart from their love, especially not for over two years like Raven and I. I also don't understand how the Drc can stop us from visiting but let just about anyone else visit.
You can spend years in a prison. Get paroled and off paper and you will be visiting your friends you left behind within 4 weeks. Work for the Drc and never visit.

It will be fine, Raven comes up for parole in March of 2007 and we are hopeful that he will be home by June of the same year. We have said it before they can keep him for now but they can't keep him forever.

I did not write this, I just feel this.

2006-10-15T13:40:00.000-04:00

I want someone I can be bare with.
I want someone who puts my soul at ease & my mind at rest.
I want someone who excites my spirit and stirs my intellect.
I want someone who knows me, inside out, completely and totally and never uses my flaws against me.
I want someone who loves me for me. Someone who can make me laugh, and make me cry, someone with whom the very attempt at trying to articulate what I feel for them reduces me to tears.
I want someone who loves me completely, not fractionally or marginally, just as much as I love them. No more, no less. I want someone who is intelligent, with whom every conversation is just as free flowing, just as inspiring and as the one before. Even when it is about nothing.
I want to still be able to talk to him when we are 80, to have conversations even better than the ones we had in the late nights of the adolescence of our relationship.
I want someone who isn't just funny, but is hilarious, who makes me laugh in my darkest hours, and who knows when I don't need to laugh. Someone who knows when I need to be alone in those dark places and doesn't judge or feel misplaced in my life due to my need to care for myself.
I want someone who inspires me to poetry, someone who I cannot capture with words on a page, for whom I have to tear up a million pieces of paper because the words I've written do his elegance no justice.
I want someone who moves me to sing and makes me finally understand the words to every love song I've ever heard.
I want someone with whom every kiss still feels like the first time, still makes my heart speed and my barriers melt.
I want someone who is patient of me when my head conflicts with my heart and I can't find the medium between the two forces.
I want someone who encourages me to be deeper, stronger, better.
I want someone who needs me, who understands if I don't always quite know how to need him.
I want someone adventurous, someone who wants to go with me wherever my heart may take us and isn't afraid to let me lead. I want someone who is honest with me, is laid open to me in an intimate way that can only be achieved by carefully built trust.
I want someone who will strip me down, but will love me just as much, if not more, when the decorations are few, the distractions are fleeting, and all that's left is who I am and who I hope loving him will make me be.

Raven makes me feel all of the above and more.

The good, The Bad and The same

2006-10-07T15:55:00.000-04:00

The good. Raven is now firmly ensconced in what will hopefully be the last prison he will ever be in. He starts the class next Thursday. You remember the class the one the parole board said he needed before he can come home. The class is one day a week for the next 12 weeks. At least thats one less thing to worry about. Now at least when he goes to the parole board the class will be finished and hopefully he can come home.

The Bad, We are still trying to be able to see each other. Raven has an appointment with the chaplain to find out how to go about getting married. The joke is that NCCI is the easiest prison to bet married in. Raven and I are always saying that the prison will be like Raven and her getting married, Pump ya breaks. The marriage will come to a screeching halt. We are trying but I am not holding my breath. We want visits and to be married.

The Same. As of now nothing new is happening.

Could today be the day.

2006-08-11T11:44:00.000-04:00

Could today be the day we hear?
Hear that finally after two years we will once again be together.

Could today be the day we hear?
That someone in that madness that is ODRC has a heart and gives the word.

Could today be the day?
That the longing and the missing lessons.

Could today be the day?
We will see.

My Heaven

2006-08-11T08:12:00.000-04:00

I look deep in your eyes.
to see there what I feel inside
We share something between us,
Neither one of us can hide.

I feel your lips touch mine,
and I lose all my control,
all it took was a look and a kiss,
To know you were part of my soul.

I see your hands on my skin,
I want and need you to do more,
The passionate look you give me,
tells heaven is in store.

I feel your need against my thigh,
I know you will fulfill ever wish,
We were made to fit together,
and all it took was a look and a kiss.

I look deep in your eyes,
and I see heaven there inside,
you make me feel so beautiful
what I feel for you I cannot hide.

Having been stuck on stupid.

2006-08-10T17:30:00.000-04:00

I haven't written my blog for a while. My life hasn't gotten any less hectic in fact, Raven got moved to another prison about three weeks ago. The food is better as is the medical care. He on the other hand is bored stiff. The phone calls are substantially more expensive. We are on a phone diet of one call per week. There is a case-manager who is attempting to help us get visits, AGAIN. Not getting my hopes up but still keeping our fingers crossed. Raven comes up for security review on August 23. The case-manager has already told him that he will be dropped, then he will be moved to a lower security prison. We have already been in contact with Columbus to request that he be moved to a prison he can get the class that the parole board wants him to have. If this happens on schedule he will be finished with the class when he sees the board again in January of 2007. Some of you may remember that the lady told him if he stayed out of trouble and took the class she would give him 60 days and out. That would put Raven home in March 2007.

As for my life, they are raising my rent and I was planning on moving. In fact I was crying to Raven and asked him if he would mind coming home to a one bedroom apartment or a trailer. He said "I would live in a cardboard box under a bridge as long as I can be with you" So I did what any red blooded woman does I cried harder. He just makes my life that much better. Anyway after looking at smaller apartments that would cost me more then I pay now. I decided to put out for a new roommate and just charge them more. If it works out then I will be paying less to stay in the apartment I love. I have at least 5 good leads. So I am hopeful. My job is going well. I don't get paid as much as I expected or is the insurance as good as I thought it would be. I have to stay put till Raven comes up as they are looking for stability in the person he will parole to.
So thats the update on Raven and I. Not as entertaining as some of my posts but thats that.

Update

2006-06-05T18:37:00.000-04:00

It has been a long time since I have felt like posting. Just tired of bearing my soul only to have the correctional system tear it to shreds. The short version of the story is all of the people who were going to help us were subverted by one hard hearted Ass Warden. Two years ago he told me to try when some time passed. We tried to get visits again this year and he went against anyone who said there was a chance and told me again that hell would freeze over before Raven and I would be able to see each other again. No chance of getting married. He did tell Raven that when he gets his security review and gets dropped. Moved to a new prison that he wouldn't oppose us visiting in the new prison. In other words he would just be quite. Whether he is a man of his word we will see. You can't prove it by me. I do believe this man's wife must have been a c/o who left him for an inmate. So after accepting that we would have no visits. Hearing we might have visits and getting our hopes up. Dashed again. Not as crazy or emotional as I was when all this was going on. Still missing and loving Raven but I am just comfortable numb.

Sitting around with the Girls.

2006-04-28T22:22:00.000-04:00

Sitting around the apartment with my roommate Kelly, Stephanie and Karen, drinking rum punch. So Image four drunk females. Sitting around talking. We found out that my roommate Kelly is drunk she can't stop talking. She interrupts all the time and has to be the center of attention all the time. Stephanie and I are just missing our men. Me especially. I miss Raven so much. We are still getting the run around about visits and marriage. Nothing is getting settled. They always have an excuse to put off giving us information. So we are quickly heading to two and half years of not seeing each other. Sometimes I feel like it's taking it's toll. We don't seem to be connecting as well as we used to. This could be because of the stress we both are in right now and as Raven says "This to, shall pass" Yes I know it's been said before but somehow it sounds sweeter coming from his lips. I know I love him, want with all my soul to be with him. That makes it all the harder to be separated from him for so long. I fucking miss him, even in the middle of all my friends. Happily drunk on rum punch.
I will always miss him. Until the day he walks free through the gate and into my arms.

Another holiday come, another holiday gone.

2006-04-16T20:43:00.000-04:00

It seems like every holiday I end the day sitting on my couch crying and blogging. So to start out this week we ran out of prepaid for the phone calls that both Raven and I live for. Come to find out that MCI bought Verizon. Then like any good monopoly they raised the prices about 50% with out telling anyone. Who cares, after all we are just inmates families. So the phone calls have to be cut in half to stay within our budget. Now the only thing that makes holidays apart bearable are the fact that he can call me more often then usual. Now we can't do that. I'm tired. Tired of getting the run around on our visits. Tired of getting the run around on our wedding. His class. When or if he will get moved so that he can come home in 2007. Coming home in 2007 isn't a sure thing. They could actually flop him for another two years and they wouldn't even care. That could mean two more years of not seeing him. Two more years of MCI raping us with ridiculous phone rates. We have already paid over 17,500 in two years of their phone charges. I'm scared of spending two more years of this. I love Raven with all my heart but I don't want to do this for two more years. So all of you who read this please pray for us, that Raven gets his class and make parole in January so he can be home by March 2007. I need my baby home.

Evil Kitty

2006-04-07T23:57:00.000-04:00

Cochise 4/7/06
Originally uploaded by ravenslove.

So today I got a kitty, Blue Seal Point, also physco as hell. I forgot how much fun baby's are. All the energy followed by sleep episodes that last all to brief. Now those of you who have read my blog may remember I have a large shaggy dog. The two of them are now trying to get use to each other. Lupina can't figure out how her favorite toy came to life and why he won't play with her. Coshise is looking at Lupina like King Kong just arrived to take Fay Ray. The funniest part of it is that when Lupina lays down, Coshise sits about 4 inches in front of her paws. He is almost falling asleep. Just trying to stay awake and watch the dog. Then all of a sudden He runs like a mad cat around the house. He also has an uncanny interest in my lap top. I'm not sure if he is typing this or am I. This is going to be an interesting journey. But for right now Cochise is just quietly sleeping on my chest.

Another go round.

2006-04-01T18:37:00.000-05:00

We are still waiting on permission to visit and/or get married. This has been going on for over a year and a half. The newest installment is that the warden says we will have our decision by Friday. The lady who is helping us get visits said that he sounded upbeat and wasn't saying anything negative. My future mother in law also wrote a letter to the warden requesting visits for Raven and I. Maybe this time it will all come together and we will see each other after two years. I miss him.

I wonder what it will be like to be at visiting. I imagine how nervous I will feel picking out what to wear. Will he like my body (changed since last he saw me). My hair, (very long) Will he like Me?
I feel my self sitting on the visiting chairs. The little table next to me. The food from the vending machine all spread out like a little picnic. I wonder will the c/o's know that I use to do what they did. Will they make it hard for us. I close my eyes and go through the entire visit. I have been doing that for two years now. Close my eyes and see him come up to the gate. See his smile, the sparkle in his eyes. Feel myself getting up to walk over to him. My heart beating. Feel the touch of his hands, the pull as he wraps his arms around me. The touch of his lips against mine, his tongue playing with mine. The way I am unable to breath while in his embrace. Coming apart and hearing him sigh. Feeling his caress on my face. We hold hands and walk to the table.

I've heard that six hours goes fast. I know it will be hard to leave him when the visit is over. I just don't know how much harder it could be then not seeing him at all. I love him so much.

Drunk and can't call your best friend.

2006-03-19T03:14:00.000-05:00

Ok so I am drunk. Went out drinking and singing yipee. Now it's 3:00 AM and I can't call D because it's even too late in CA. I have worked all week since Wednesday and decided to party with S tonight. We sang songs and drank allot of drinks. K went with us and we had a blast. How drunk can we get. Pretty drunk. S even sang. She did a nice job and got a lot of clapping. I was thinking how much Raven would enjoy being here with us. I miss him, every day every minute. But sing we did. K, S and I talk about a bunch of really drunk women. But we had fun. Believe it or not I was the most sober one of them all. Go figure. too drunk to type though. I have had to fix at least every other word in this blog. Hey D were are you when we need some straight thinking. Pretty bad when the dog is the only sober one left.

Here I sit.

2006-03-13T08:51:00.000-05:00

So today I am supposed to be starting my job. My new job, at Aetna a job that pays well with good benifits. I get to work and am called out of the training class. It seems that my background check isn't finished. Hello, I was hired on the 7th of February. It's now the 13th of March how could they not be finished. WTF I am so sick and tired of people fucking off not finishing what they are supposed to do. Because of it I suffer. These people didn't bother to finish the background check now I am not working. Just sitting home blogging when I should be learning my new job. Along the same lines, I was supposed to have the marriage packet already and it's not here either. Why can't people do there job like they would be the ones getting something. If everyone worked like it benefited them the world would be a better place. So for now I just sit and fucking wait.

Just another vent.

2006-02-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

So today I am very sad. I MISS HIM, The papers never got here so his unit manager must not have sent them out. I lost my job. Why do people interview you and sound like you are the best only to send you a letter saying your over qualified. What the heck is over qualified shouldn't I be able to decide if I will work below my ability. I don't know what I am going to do if I don't find something quick.

The worse is that the pain of not seeing him seems to get worse everyday. We are so in love, why do we still have to pay the price for the way we met. It's been almost two years. I know we will make it but sometimes it's even hard to breath. I feel like if I can't see him soon I will die. I know that is crazy but I can't stop the feeling or the crying. I hate to let him hear me cry because he feels like he is not supporting me when I cry. Ok I am done whining for today. Thanks for reading this.